


Lost and a tad bit angry

by nerdygal



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-20
Updated: 2014-06-20
Packaged: 2018-02-05 09:57:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1814395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nerdygal/pseuds/nerdygal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve was a better actor than anyone ever gave him credit for.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lost and a tad bit angry

**Author's Note:**

> So, I got the idea that spurred this story a couple weeks ago and after some thought about what I would have liked to write about and a very, very raw rough draft I finally came to this and I like it. It's still a tad bit rough on the edges but I think it'll be fine and work for you guys, or at least that's the intention. Anyway, read on and maybe tell me what you think?

Everything was okay. Steve was alive, Bucky was back and alive. They were friends again and working together and everything was okay. No, everything was not okay, it was just a lie Steve had continued to tell himself whenever he looked in the mirror or had a moment to himself. Whenever he was alone on his floor because Bucky had moved to his own floor six months ago, he wondered and thought and just felt empty and everything was not okay. But he was Captain America and he was needed so he would put on a smile and continue moving on because while everything was not okay, he would pretend it was because that's what he did and he picked up a few things from being a showgirl for a little while. 

“You ready to go Steve?” Bucky asked as he rechecked his weapons and Steve threw him a small grin and nodded.

“Always.” He said before grabbing his shield and placing it behind his back. 

“So Rogers, did you ever call that girl?” Nat asks and Steve gives her a look over his shoulder, focusing on her completely because he might just lose it if he looks at Bucky because a person's heart can only take so much and he really doesn't want to talk about how he's not going on dates because he's been pinning after his best friend for as long as he can remember and he just doesn't want to get into it. 

“Must have lost her number.” He says instead before jumping out of the plane, hearing her resigned sigh and a squawk from Bucky as he hurtles towards the water at a speed and lands with such an impact that would probably kill a normal person but Steve was anything but normal it seemed. 

He tried to brush off the large sense of deja vu as he climbed onto the ship and made his way past guards with guns who were holding a bunch of S.H.I.E.L.D workers captive. Flying in under the cover of night, taking out just about everyone on deck while Nat and Bucky moved below to clear out the lower levels. He just wished somethings were different this time around but is wishes were fishes than no one would go hungry. 

“Nat, we have to go.” Steve said as he made his way down the stairs towards where she and Bucky had gone.

“Just a minute or two.” She spoke back to him through the static of their coms.

“Nat.” He warned and didn't get anything in reply so he continued on his way to find her sitting at a desk with a computer in front of her and if Steve hadn't been a super solider he was sure his legs would have buckled with the immense bout of deja vu. 

“We need to go now. Where's Bucky?” He asked through clenched teeth and she spared him a glance. 

“Working.” She told him and maybe it was that that caused him to snap in the way he did, in a he should have been expecting with keeping everything in the way he had been.

“Okay.” He told her quietly and she gave him a searching look but Steve had gotten better at keeping what was going on inside his head there and not on his face. “We need to go though.” He told her before turning and heading back up deck. He helped get the wounded up on the plane and ignored the way Bucky and Nat gave each other nods when they appeared on deck and headed onto the plane together, thick as thieves. He didn't need to add jealousy to his twisting stomach but it was there all the same. 

Steve leaned back in his seat allowing a heavy sigh to slip through his lips as he tilted his head back. He was tired, more tired than he would have liked to admit and it wasn't just the mission that was doing it to him, it was a lot of things. Things he tried to brush off time and time again but still managed to sit on his shoulders once more. 

“Mission was successful.” Nat said and Steve peeked an eye open to see her and Bucky sitting across from him, her legs spread out over his lap and Steve just gave them a nod, trying to stop his jaw from clenching because yes, the mission was successful but he had been out of the loop again. Those working with him and under him were given different orders than he was and that made things sloppy and allowed for circumstances that should no arise to. 

“I guess it was.” He told her before closing his eyes again, signaling the end of his involvement in the conversation. He attempted sleep while ignoring the soft conversation going on between Nat and Bucky in a language Steve had no chance at understanding. Sleep didn't come and he was left to think about things and his anger just kept growing and growing with each half sentence, with each groan of the plane, with every huff and grunt those around him gave as they slept or were patched him. He had never been more grateful to get off a plane in his life, hurrying out the door before anyone else and refusing to look back at the questioning looks he felt burned between his shoulders and the calls of 'Cap?' that accompanied them. 

He had never been one to be late to a debriefing meeting but there was always time for new things and even Captain America was fallible. He ignored the looks Nat and Bucky gave him and sat at the table, hands clasped together in front of him and gave everyone his Cap smile and apologized for being late, he had lost rack of time. Everyone seemed to take it at face value except Fury, Nat, and Bucky but Steve wasn't trying all that hard anyway. 

He was fairly quiet through the meeting, speaking only when needed and paying the necessary amount of attention. Maybe if he had been focused a bit more he would have realized Bucky had moved from his seat across from the table to next him throughout the meeting. He gave a slight jump at the feel of his friend's hand on his shoulder but shook it off.

“Ya alright, Steve?”He questioned, looking at Steve intently, his grey-blue eyes filled with concern. Steve tired to ignore the way his stomach churned under his friend's intense gaze and nodded.

“Yeah, I'm fine, just a little tired.” He said it was partly true. Steve had a habit of not sleeping for days because he didn't need to and he was currently going on day four with no sleep thanks to nightmares and loneliness, but it was just another few things he dealt with. Bucky frowned at him.

“You need to get some sleep Steve.” He said and the blonde just nodded and told Bucky he would. It was easier lying to him than it should have been but some things were a lot easier now than they were before, well everything honestly. Benefits of the serum and being frozen and working with covert ops and all that, the fun stuff. The meeting broke up soon after that and Steve waved Bucky and Nat on saying he'd be there in a minute he had something he wanted to say to Fury real quick. 

“Something on your mind, Cap?” The man in the eye-patch questioned and Steve reached into his uniform and pulled out a worn piece of paper. He had been carrying it with him for a while now, debating whether or not to actually go through with it but this last mission had made the decision for him. He practically threw the paper at the Director and if anyone could make paper lethal it was Steve Rogers. 

Fury snatched the paper out of the way, trying to not to show how impressed he was at the force behind the worn paper and unfolded it. Steve could count on a single hand the number of times Nick Fury had looked surprised; this was the second time. 

“You sure about this, Cap? You want to resign?” He questioned and Steve nodded surely. 

“I don't like taking missions where those around me have different orders than mine, it makes things happen that I cannot account for and it is not something I like. Nor do I like going where pointed like a weapon.” Steve said. He didn't have an issue doing things under the cover of night or getting his hands a little dirty, he had lived through a war and had done things he wasn't proud of but it got the job done and the necessary results. 

“Steve, we've gone over this.” The man started and the blonde just shook his head. 

“I know. It doesn't change anything.” Steve told him firmly. 

“So you are just gonna quit S.H.I.E.L.D, the Avengers? Fighting for America?” Fury asked and Steve's gaze hardened a fraction. 

“If America ever needs me in a situation like the Battle of New York, I'll be there, but until then, I'll be elsewhere.” Steve said, his voice sharp and Fury knew when an argument was over. 

“Alright then, Cap. Now about your shield-” Steve cut him off again. 

“It's mine. End of story. Too many things tied to it for me to just let it go.” Steve said quickly. He had died with that shield, he had killed with that shield, and he had lost with that shield. It was a constant in his life, one of very things that had survived his time in the 40's and he would be damned to let anyone take it from him. 

“Alright Cap. Alright.” Fury said and Steve gave him a nod before leaving the room feeling some of the weight leave his shoulders as he left the room and headed up to the roof to get on yet another vehicle that would take him, Nat, and Bucky back to the Tower. 

“What did you need to talk to Fury about Steve?” Nat asked and Steve looked over at her, his shield resting on his lap. 

“Nothing important.” He told her and she frowned at him but didn't push the matter and Steve was grateful for that too, but of course it would only last for so long because news like Captain America resigning from S.H.I.E.L.D spread like wildfire and Steve was surprised they made it almost all the way to the Tower before Nat and Bucky found out.

Nat's phone chimed and she pulled it out expecting it to be Clint complaining about the cold because he was on assignment in Russia. She was not expecting a message from Sharon stating that Steve had resigned and couldn't stop the sharp exhale of breath she left out in surprised. Bucky immediately looked up from where he was cleaning one of his various weapons to raise a questioning eyebrow. For once she had no words and just passed him the phone. 

His reaction was instantaneous, jumping up to his feet while spitting out an angry and confused, “What the fuck?” Steve opened his eyes and looked back over at him. 

“What the fuck?” Bucky repeated. “You resigned?” He spat out at Steve and to Steve's credit he kept an impassive face even if Bucky looked wildly threatening, pissed off and waving a gun around carelessly.

“I did.” Steve told him calmly and that set the brunette off. 

“You quit! That's what you talked to Fury about!” He couldn't hide the bit of hurt that crept into his voice but carried on anyway. “You quit and didn't say a goddamn word about it.” Bucky accused. 

“I don't have to send all my choices to you to pass some sort of inspection.” Steve snapped back, standing up and Nat had to admit that the two of them standing off was an impressive and quite intimidating sight.

“You keep doin' stupid things Steve. What happened to that little kid from Brooklyn who was too dumb to walk away from a fight?” Bucky accused and Steve glared at him. 

“This isn't a fight to walk away from.” Steve told him harshly and Bucky let out a half-hysterical laugh. 

“No, it is. You, the great Captain America, is walking away from a fight. The Steve Rogers I know would never do that.” Steve's eyes hardened and turned cold and angry in the way Bucky had only ever seen directed at bullies and Nazi's and his enemies but never at him and he took a second to wonder if maybe this time he had pushed a little too far.

“I'm not the same Steve Rogers you knew.” Steve told him deadly quiet before turning on his heel and stalking away and into the Tower considering they had landed. 

The words and image hit Bucky like a sucker punch to the gut because he had seen that angry little kid from Brooklyn when Steve had glared at him and then he saw the image of him saying similar words to Steve when Bucky had gotten his memories back. He could remember Steve saying of course he wasn't the same and neither was he; they had been through too much to be the same. Bucky hadn't believe him at the time but he should have. 

“Let him cool down, James. He'll be down at dinner.” Nat told him confidently and Bucky just nodded feeling like a gigantic asshole and headed into the Tower slowly. He thought about going to Steve's floor anyway but was stopped by the AI system speaking to him. 

“I regret to inform you Mr. Barnes that Steve's floor is locked and he has no desire to speak to you.” The British voice called out and Bucky refrained from flinching because that news was like another hit to the heart. Sure he and Steve weren't as close as they used to be, but normally Bucky could talk to him and settle any disagreements they had right after a fight of sorts. This was different though and Bucky couldn't help but think that everything was different now and how he hated it just a bit. 

~

Steve didn't come down for dinner. Bucky tried not to brood at that fact. Nat told him to just go to sleep and that Steve would probably be cooled down by breakfast. Steve wasn't at breakfast and Bucky began to worry. 

“Jarvis, where is Steve?” He asked hesitantly while they were at breakfast. 

“Mr. Rogers is not in the building, he left last night.” Bucky felt like his was choking on air and Sam made a sharp noise that drew his attention. 

“You didn't know he was leaving?” He questioned and Bucky shook his head sharply and Sam frowned at him, looking closely before letting out a scoff. 

“You don't see it do you?” He asked and Bucky cocked his head to the side, see what? He glance over at Nat but she mirrored his expression and Sam let out a half angry and half exasperated sigh. 

“You really don't know.” He said and they both shook their heads. “I can't believe you two, highly trained assassins, didn't notice. Tony, play the footage please.” Sam said.   
First up was Steve breaking out of a S.H.I.E.L.D building after he woke up from the ice, he looked confused and angry and the broken once out on the street. It made Bucky want to look away. Then it showed Steve looking at his compass and his picture of Peggy and Bucky felt another pang in his chest. Then Steve was flipping through some old sketchbooks of him before tossing them aside with more force than he probably intended before burying his face in his hands and sobbing violently. There was a few scenes of Steve waking up from nightmares, sometimes crying, sometimes jumping out of bed swinging, and once or twice crying out in pain before curling in on himself and staying awake for the rest of the night.

There was also videos of him sitting at the table and staring at nothing with a blank look on his face. There was also an incident where Steve flipped his table over and into the wall and a chair followed before Steve calmed down. In none of the clips was Steve messing with any of the technology except the radio and then the TV to watch some Disney movies. Sam waved for Tony to shut it off before looking at Bucky and Nat in what looked like his 'you're my friends so I'm gonna help you be less stupid' look. 

“Steve is a man out of time as you both know.”He started and Bucky frowned at him. “Steve went down in the ice in the 40's and woke up in a completely different decade. He went down swinging and while he slept the world continued to turn and a lot of bad shit happened. He woke up to a world where his best friend was still dead, the woman he probably would have married had a life without him and is old and in a nursing home now. Everyone else is gone, everything is different. Steve is lost. He was lost when he woke up and still is. He thought Bucky was dead and then he wasn't. Steve lives a life where fate had taken away everything he loved and then handed them all back with pieces missing and Steve just keeps going even though fate dealt him the shittiest flush in the book.” Sam said and Bucky felt so bad, so utterly bad. 

“There was no time to get Steve used to things and how different it all was because he was needed as a soldier and if there was anything he would do it was fight for his country. He didn't get to be eased back into the world a little bit. He didn't get walked through his nightmares or his issues. He didn't talk about it and still hasn't so this sudden leaving should not be so unexpected. I know each of you were working through your own problems but Steve never did because of the Battle of New York and then Project Insight and then helping acclimating Barnes here so now he's going to.” Sam finished explaining and while some part of Bucky was upset about being talked to like a small child, he was right. 

Steve had put his entire life on hold to help Bucky and he had never returned the favor. Hell, after he was himself again, granted a different version of himself, he had put distance between himself and Steve as quickly as possible. He got a new floor, they didn't talk as much, he took missions without his friend, took them without saying anything to Steve. He didn't even talk about anything but mundane things with Steve, everything else he talked about with Nat and he felt so terrible at that moment again. 

It didn't matter what reasons he had for it, he should have been here for Steve, he should have seen. One would think with all the staring he did at Steve he would have noticed. 

“Where did he go?” Nat asked, resting a hand on Bucky's shoulder.

“He had rented out an apartment in North Carolina, a city near the beach and he has also bought a car. At least according to his bake statements.” Tony informed them, giving them both a look that made Bucky want to crawl under his bed. 

“I want to go after him.” Bucky said and was met with three heads shaking.

“No. You need to let Steve find himself again and going after him like the love-sick puppy you are will not help. Give him some time.” Nat said and Bucky ducked his head at her words, refusing to acknowledge them. Sam chuckled but agreed with the redhead. 

“Alright.” Bucky finally agreed and Nat gave his shoulder another pat and didn't that just help him feel better. 

~

“Nat it's been two months, can we please go check in on Steve?” Bucky pleaded, from where he stood in the garage. Nat studied him and was quiet for a while before finally nodding.

“Let's make sure the fossil didn't get himself killed.” She said and Bucky grinned, pulling out one of the several go-to bags he had stashed all over the Tower and throwing it into a car. Nat rolled her eyes at him but climbed into the car and let Bucky drive faster than necessary to where Steve was. 

“A week. We watch over him for a week and then come back because we still have jobs.” Nat told him firmly once they were in North Carolina. Bucky frowned but nodded, pulling a hoodie on to cover up his metal arm. He was just excited to see Steve after all this time and even if he couldn't be close enough to hug or maybe even kiss if Bucky ever got the courage, it would have to do. She they picked a motel close to Steve's apartment and began to scope out the area. 

Nat had decided it would be best to bug Steve's apartment and while Steve was out for a run (some things never changed) they went in and bugged the place. They weren't expecting Steve to come back and take out most of the bugs. He may have quit S.H.I.E.L.D but apparently somethings he had picked up and one of those to Bucky's dismay was sweeping his apartment. Granted Steve didn't get them all because while he was smart and pretty good, Nat and Bucky were still covert ops. 

They were able to hear Steve move around his apartment, listening to music (several different varieties) and leave alone and come back alone. That last part shouldn't have made Bucky as happy as it did, but he didn't really care all too much. 

They followed Steve to the beach one day, watching the made who was now sporting a decent tan climb out of his beat up old jeep in a wetsuit and pull out a surf board. The waves there weren't quite as good as some on the west coast would have been but that didn't stop Steve was going in the water anyway and riding the waves better than some of the others there and taking care of his board with practiced ease. He looked so peaceful and calm, Bucky hadn't seen that look on him in a long time. After that Steve sat on the beach by his board and just watched the people before producing a sketchbook and committing some of those around him to paper for the remainder of the day. 

At one point he paid for some kids' hotdogs with a fond smile as though remembering Cony Island before he resumed his spot on the beach and continued to draw. He might have ignored the appreciative looks he got from other beach goers but Bucky did not. 

The follow Steve to a coffee shop that must be his favorite because he visits it at least once a day and watch as the Batista flirts with him and Steve just smiles back before taking his coffee and retreating to a table in the corner and working in his sketchbook again. It was nice to see him drawing again. 

On the last day, Bucky feels an emptiness beginning to take place back in his heart again because he'll have to go back soon and he doesn't want to leave Steve but he pushes it aside because that's what he's always done. They watch Steve through one of his windows as he dances around his apartment in search of a bunch of his sketches and puts them in a folder before heading out of his apartment with a smile and a small skip to his step. Bucky was curious and very surprised to find that Steve was slipping into a tattoo shop. 

Nat gave Bucky a smile before looping her arm in his and following after Steve, immediately striking up a conversation with another artist while Steve walks straight up to the man at the counter who was covered in tattoos and had black and blue hair. 

“Hey Steve!” The man exclaimed giving Steve a wide grin that Steve returned, smiling so fully and brightly that Bucky felt his chest ache. 

“Hey, I've got some sketches for you I think you can should use and those two consultant ones.” Steve says handing over the folder. The man flips through them and grins before giving a low whistle of appreciation. 

“These are great Stevie. I should set you up a station and have you draw all our stuff.” The man said and Bucky can't help the way his stomach tightens and how he fights back a low growl in his throat at the nickname rolling off someone elses tongue as Steve ducked his head and flushed a bit at the compliment. Nat gave his arm a small squeeze before Bucky returned part of his attention to Nat and her conversation about a tattoo she wouldn't end up getting. The man hands over some money to Steve but the conversation is far from over if the way both men lean against the counter to get more comfortable, talking about the city and the waves Steve had caught the day before. 

The man reaches out and cups one of Steve's cheeks in his hand, thumb brushing over his cheekbone idly while giving him a coy smile. 

“You sure I can't take you out for some coffee or dinner?” He asked and Steve gave him a soft smile and shook his head. He didn't blush at being come onto in the slightest and that seemed to make Bucky quake in silent anger before he forced himself to relax again. 

“He must be a pretty good guy then, huh? The guy you're carrying a torch for.” He asked and Steve smiled again. “He better be cause if he ain't, Stevie, he don't deserve you.” 

“We've been through a lot.” Was all Steve said and the man nodded, removing his hand.

“Do me a favor ya? Go get drunk or at least by the man a coffee.” He said and Steve nodded again before exiting the shop. As he left Bucky felt the his stomach settle, no longer a fire raging and roaring, and that ache come back to largely in his chest. 

“James.” Nat said softly and Bucky came back too and they were outside, standing by their car. She was looking up at him in concern and he looked back at her sadly. 

“He has a thing for someone.” He whispered. He had never said a word to anyone, not in any of his lives, but Steve had captured his heart every since he jumped headfirst into a fight against some no name bullies who were giving a lady some shit. 

“He does.” Nat said softly and he looked at her so sadly she wanted to slap him. 

“I tired to set Steve up on several dates. Women, men, he didn't want to go and when he didn't he was never interested, just like the guy at the shop. He told me he wanted someone with shared life experiences.” She told him and Bucky stared blankly at her. Steve must have gotten the brains of the two of them and Bucky just the stupid, or at least that felt like the case sometimes. 

“You, you idiot. He was talking about you even if he never said it outright. 'We've been through a lot' you two grew up together and lived out of each others pockets since you were children. It seems like he's been holding a torch for you for a long time if that's right.” Nat told him and the light of understanding seemed to creep into Bucky's eyes.

“But he looks so happy here.” Bucky tired. Nat shook her head but was unable to say anything because they were interrupted but a loud scoff. They turned to see Steve leaning a car away, looking at them. 

“For spies, I thought you would be able to cover your tracks better.” He stated. “The bugs, the beach, the coffee shop, the tattoo shop. You are pretty noticeable Buck when all you do is stare blatantly. I thought you were gonna lose it in the shop back there.” Steve said and Bucky stared at him while Nat grinned.

“You aren't as thick as you look Rogers.” She told him and he threw her a smile. 

“It's just an appearance.” He told her and she couldn't stop the amused curl of her lips. 

“You're thick though, you know that, Buck?” Steve asked, stepping around the cars and towards him.

“Am I?” He asked and Steve stepped close.

“Yeah. Real thick.” He stated before leaning in and pressing their lips together in such a chaste kiss. It was a few seconds before he pulled back and Bucky smiled at his in such a bliss way, finally understanding all the looks Steve had given him when he thought he wasn't looking, the way he always made sure Bucky was okay. It all made sense. 

“I guess I am.” He said before leaning in for a second kiss. 

“Coffee?” Steve asked after they broke apart and Bucky just nodded.


End file.
